Pent Up, No Good, Long Time Coming Blog

I've got a lot on my mind.

First, let's talk about quitting:

YES, you internet jerks! I quit smoking. I have not had a cigarette for 15 days and even though the world is like, "oh yeah? here are some stressful things to test you with," I have not even really been tempted to smoke a cigarette. Maybe I will be tempted tomorrow but if I can go from almost losing half a million dollars today due to a clerical error, to getting it back in a teary, embarrassing, hands-and-knees episode, and not smoke after that, then I really feel like I am in the clear.

And it is so strange because I know I have "tried" before -- certainly it is documented and I remember in my head when I said I would stop -- but I did not and I don't believe I ever stood a chance. In 2007 I wrote:

One time, during a quitting spell, I went to the Stop and Go across the street and the store clerk mentioned that he hadn't seen me in awhile. "That's because I quit!" I beamed, purchasing my Starbucks drink. A week later, before the Pride Parade, I went with a friend and we bought cigarettes. "I thought you quit?" he asked. "Special occasion!" In all the resulting trips since then, he's said nothing and instead reached automatically for the pack of preferred brand. He has not ever said: "Hey, lady, WTF is wrong with you? Don't you have any willpower at all? I'm not going to sell these to you. Here's some gum on the house."

No one trying to sell you cigarettes is ever going to say that.

And yet when it finally happened I wasn't really even trying. I just stopped. Yes, I downloaded a hypnosis thingy. Certainly, it played a role. But I'm convinced that the greater impetus was that you hit a certain point where you realize: I am too old for this bullshit.

So here is what has happened amid the stressy not smoking: instead of smoking in the car on the way home from work, I really, really, REALLY, look forward to having a drink. Obviously this is a situation to monitor, and I am, but I am not overly concerned and here is why: 1) having a drink no longer makes me want to smoke; 2) having a drink does not lead to having multiple drinks.

And perhaps #2 is because I'm working so late that I don't have time for multiple drinks, I barely have time for 1 before I want to be in bed and asleep because that alarm is going off at 5am rested or not.

Still, monitoring.

The other must-blog moment came yesterday on the road, when I found a recently-purchased, though long-neglected Ani DiFranco album and wound up playing this song over and over:



To understand why, we have to go back to last week in the middle of all this bureaucratic nonsense leading up to today's episode. It's Wednesday and I am exhausted, and my co-worker reminds me that we signed up for a "business etiquette dinner" because it seemed like a good idea at the time. I look terrible. Great, I say. Ok -- off we go.

And the presenter, who is a lovely and well-established Houston woman, and who tells us we should not EVER discuss politics or religion at a business event but then makes it pretty clear that she hangs with Republicans, anyway she tells us that the 30-something women she knows, they are concerned about looking old. "If you are developing a facial situation..." she tells us, "You need to do the Botox or whatever it takes. You must look friendly and well-groomed." And we are all laughing and later in the mirror I'm thinking, hmm, I've had these lines in my forehead since *5th grade* -- I have these deep set worry lines, in fact I even wrote a poem about them. I wonder how much Botox costs, anyway.

REALLY AND TRULY, these are my thoughts. I want so very much to get ahead in business or at least be successful.

So when Ani is singing to me and reminding me of a time not so long ago, but long enough, and she says "there's nothing wrong with your face," I can't stop laughing and I'm like, rewind, tell me again.

So that is how I listened to this song 26 times yesterday.

Thanks for reading. I feel a lot better now.