Spots and Stripes

"If you think this looks ridiculous, try missing your flight" says the bus with the yellow polka-dots.

And I don't think much of it except that I am sitting in a bus with a piggy bank logo (Parking "Cents") waiting for some other passengers to get on the shuttle, and I watch a woman get on the polka-dot bus and then sort of emerge in a huff, and my shuttle driver starts chuckling.

After we leave the terminal (in the end it is just me and him) he explains that this particular parking company purchased two new lots, creatively named "Parking Spot 2" and "Parking Spot 3" -- and they all have different shuttles with similar themes: One bus is yellow with black spots, one is black with white spots, and as a result people get all confused and don't know what bus to take.

I'm chuckling along with him, because yeah, that is sort of funny -- they tried to stay branded and wound up pissing off all these customers -- and furthermore can you imagine the storage facility? It must look like some sort of Dr. Suess themepark.

And THEN he goes on to tell me how it is soooo hilarious, all the black and Chinese people get really confused, and I am sort of like "heh" and looking around for the hidden camera because this is starting to feel like a sort of "Parking Shuttle Confessional" show that people will watch at 2am and click their tongues and judge me because I'm not saying anything about his racist comment.

And THEN because I didn't say anything, he goes on to share a story about how 20 years ago when his daughter was an infant, he was held up by a black man who took his watch and $500 cash and held a gun up to his neck, and when the police brought in five suspects for him to pick out of a line up, how was he supposed to tell them apart? HAHAHA! They all have the same haircut and skin tone!

And I'm gesturing at the camera like "what the hell am I supposed to do -- I am two minutes from my car and I just want to get home and feed my cat and this man has me hostage on a bus and p.s. I woke up at five in the morning and p.p.s. what is wrong with you??" but instead I say something like, "Gosh, yeah, that sounds scary. And you had a baby too."

So anyway, when you see me on TV, that is how that all went down.

Guinea Pig

My check-in guy at the Enterprise desk was a trainee, and his co-worker used the opportunity to show him how to process my car.

Of course they got an error like they've never seen before, because that is what always happens when you try to show someone how to do a relatively routine task (duh).

The error was sorted out, but they did give me the tough sell: "We've reserved you this dinky little piece of crap car, but for FIVE DOLLARS more you can have a car with automatic locks! Come ON -- the company is paying for it!" and I was like, no friends, if I turned down a Prius upgrade in Columbus (which I still regret) there's no way I'm charging acronym extra for a Grand Am.

Which begs the question -- how long has it been since you drove in a car without automatic windows and locks? And, how did we ever manage to get by?

Later at the hotel, which is conveniently situated within spitting distance from the airport runway, I found out why those runway guys wear earphones and what it sounds like when 50 car alarms all go off at once, and the little Aveo isn't looking so shabby anymore.

Going Places

Places I have been for work-related purposes, not in chronological order:

Dallas, TX
Provo, UT
Denver, CO
St. Louis, MO
New York, NY
Philadelphia, PA
Columbus, OH
Washington, DC
Memphis, TN (soon)
Phoenix, AZ (soon)

Figuring Out the Remote

It is one thing, when you buy your new TV, and you plug it in and hook up all the stuff thinking "At LAST -- on THIS TV, the remote control will work" because that's how your relationship with electronics works, right? Your unique-to-you-stronger-than-normal magnetic field effs with normal circuitry and causes CD players, radios, TVs, VCRs, digital cameras, computers, cars, planes, and all manners of electronic gadgets to malfunction long before their shelf life expires and you're just kind of used to it because that is how it has always been and then you buy new gadgets.

So this TV is new and shiny. Ok it's been on the shelf of Target since October 2007 but come on, you LOVE Target! You and this TV are going to be great friends. But then you're hitting the "ON" button and you've fed it the pre-requisite AA batteries which you stole from the DVD remote and thinking "what are the odds... how could I possibly have paid 200+ for a TV and still I have to get up and change the channel by hand" but once its turned on all the other remote buttons work and this is very strange, no?

And you play with it for a few weeks and you're loving the high-def of it all, thinking "the pores--look at her PORES!" and "this is the clearest signal anyone has ever gotten sans cable" and "can you believe they used to make televisions that weigh more than my cat?" and you finally figure it out: you figure out the remote. It's like the car; if you turn it off by hand, you have to turn it on by hand. Just like the car alarm will go off if you lock it with the little button and you try to unlock it with a key.

And you didn't buy the extended warrenty because let's face it, you got the October shelf TV for a sweet, sweet deal and you're really cheap but you're thinking maybe the curse has lifted -- this TV is finicky like me. Maybe this one will last.

Moving Up in the Ranks

Monday I wore a suit.
Tuesday I wore a suit.
Wednesday I wore pajamas because I was home sick.
Today I wore a suit.
Tomorrow, I am wearing jeans.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

So my landlord installed these new self-closing self-locking gates to keep the riff-raff out, and he sent out an email advising us to remember our gate key if we go to take the garbage out, and what do I do? I take my garbage out (horray for taking the garbage out!) and I definitely do not bring my gate key. I bring my cell phone, though, because it is 7:55 and at 8:00 someone is supposed to be coming to my apartment to pick up my old TV.

So I am locked outside my apartment gate at 7:57 envisioning a scenerio where TV dude shows up and I have to tell him, sorry, I'm locked out, and what happens then? Does he stay with me and make chit chat while we wait for someone to come in or out? Does he leave me standing there in the semi-rain? Do I go around the corner and hide and ignore my phone and just pretend I am not home?

And where the hell are all my neighbors, anyway? I hear them in the courtyard ALL THE TIME, yapping and drinking. Don't you people have parties to go to? Don't you have dogs to walk? (I know you have dogs; I have seen all the varieties of dogs coming to and fro.) Moreover, where are my dependable friends? I give you people keys for situations just like this one. I have taken care of both your dogs while you were out of town, and one of them ripped my favorite jeans. Answer your damn phones.

And finally a guy pulls up, and I'm thinking "please, please be a neighbor, and not someone who wants my TV," and I introduce myself, even though I've lived here for two years, and I ask him if he lives here, and tell him how happy I am to see him, and thank you thank you thank you, and I still don't know his name, but I think we might share a wall.

And the TV guy never came. And there's a mysterious water leak in my wall causing paint tumors, but that's another story. And I am going to bury a gate key in a very secret hidden place, so I never have to wait for other peoples' comings and goings again.