The Elephant in the Room

No one is reading this blog anymore, and I guess that is ok.

So yesterday Jason read me this folk tale from Children of Wax: African Folk Tales

"Do you want to hear the introduction to a Tom Robbins novel, or the Pumpkin story?" he asked.

You already know how we feel about Tom Robbins.

So I picked the pumpkin story.

To paraphrase: Elephants move into a family's community, they start eating all the pumpkins, the sole source of food and nutrition, the family determines they must move, do something, or starve. But they can't fend off the elephants in a normal fashion because they are huge and very strong.

So the oldest boy gets a brilliant idea: let's hollow out the biggest pumpkin we can find, cover the youngest boy in fat and squeeze him instead, lure an elephant into EATING the pumpkin, boy stabs elephant's heart from inside the body, all the other elephants witness this and freak out and leave.

Turns out the youngest boy is not so much invested in this plan. But, since all his brothers think it is a great idea, youngest boy is talked into going along it. The winning line? All the other boys say, "There is nothing that can go wrong with this plan."

And, not to be a plot spoiler, but it works. Youngest boy hangs out in the pumpkin until he is eaten, cuts his way out of the pumpkin and kills the elephant, cuts his way out of the elephant and his family cleans him up and celebrates his success, elephants freak out and go away, and all is well with the world again.

There is nothing that can go wrong with this plan!

I can't find this story anywhere else on the internet. Aren't you glad you're still reading my blog?

My Flash-Sideways Life

From a misdirected email:

"Hope everything is going well so far! Just to confirm, you will be receiving one more trunk today at 9am. It will be delivered to set and contains the fine jewelry, a Donna Karan dress, some fur pieces, and accessories."

DUDE I wish they would misdirect that trunk to my actual address. Though I am not sure what I'd do with the fur pieces. It's starting to get steamy in HTX.

Showtunes that get stuck in my head

Beautiful, Sunday in the Park with George

Defying Gravity, Wicked (thanks for nothing, Glee)

For Good, Wicked (thanks for nothing, Showtunes documentary)

In the Weeds

I don't understand why no one wants to go on vacation with me.

I am fun. And I travel light.

April Fools Day

Spiders are NOT funny.

Coming Out of the Dark

I am not sure what depression feels like, but I am done with sleeping 10 hours a night.

Let's call this "sinuses" and move on.

Also, maybe change your diet.

Good Friday!

You and I, Friday, we are going to watch a lot of free recorded Showtime. We are going to play video games and eat popcorn in our pajamas.

On Sunday, we're going to drink mimosas and dress up like bunnies. Maybe someone will stick a ham in front of us, and we'll realize that we don't even really like ham, but BOY we wouldn't mind a good deviled egg.

You'll be long gone by then, Friday, so I am not sure why I am still referring to us as a "we." Except that I hope to keep your spirit alive and with me, a little bit of chillax in a crazy world. And, how often do we get a true Friday off without having to use up vacation days? Mondays... no one likes Mondays... the collective workforce sheds Mondays every chance we get. But Friday. A good and lovely, medium temperatured, Friday, with no obligations. They just don't make days like that so much anymore.

Dear Dentists of Houston,

Over the years I've visited a few of you, and have not yet found a dental home. I have, however, found plenty of "not going back there" dental practitioners, and this has educated me very well on what I am not looking for.

So today I received a "welcome to the neighborhood; let us clean your teeth" message from a neighborhood practice and I can tell right away we would never get along. In her intro letter said dentist is going on about her state of the art this and that, and why live with ugly teeth? philosophy, and how I can avoid ugly fillings and relax to soothing mp3s while visiting with her.

What I want, and I do not understand why this is so difficult, what I want is a dentist who is on time, and fast, and who will clean my teeth, and who will not find any cavities. And if this dentist must find cavities, I want to know where they are, and what are my options (yes, I want to know about the ugly options), and I do not want the transaction to feel like I am buying a car. Do not write any sums of money on a pad of paper and slide them to me. Please do give me information to take with me and consider (do not make me decide right away unless the tooth is hanging on by a thread) but if you will not say the amount of money it will cost out loud I am not paying for it.

I do not want to pay for DVDs, or CD players, or crazy camera gadgets, or extraneous dental assistants.

I DO want a toothbrush when I leave. Because, you know, tradition.

I hope this is included in the new health care bill (Dental Sanity Amendment of 2010), but I doubt it.

It Is Not A Competition

If it is, I don't want to play.

Also, Welcome to...

Tadhgan Orion Meehan (Pronounced Tie-Gan. Nicknamed Ty by Mindy)

Mindy got all private with her blog but if you want to read about her adventures with life and child #2 (and you do, because Mindy is awesome and will one day have a Muni sponsorship and/or somehow be declared the most athletic woman in America and have I mentioned that she has now endured two natural childbirths and both times did not even realize she was in labor until the baby was basically out?) you can probably email her via the link to the right to get hooked up.

Happy (belated) birthday to Minday and welcome Ty!

The Plan

Jason brought home artist Michael Schmelling's book The Plan, a 500 page collection of photographs made alongside "Disposophobia" experts Disaster Masters.

Disaster Masters will help you clean your house and change your life but they are not screwing around, people.

If you happen to know someone you believe to be a disposophobic and want to know how you can help, the answer is, there very little you can do about it. So sayeth Ron Alford and he is a hard nosed professional.

Photographer Michael Schmelling has a show currently at Fotofest called the week of no computer.

He also designed cover art for Wilco and various novelists. Neato.

I mean, whatever...

Ping.

Mary, update your blog.

Here are some series on my DVR:

Lost
What Not To Wear
Hoarders
Project Runway
The Soup
Antiques Roadshow
Saturday Night Live
Gossip Girl
America's Next Top Model
IFC's "In Short" short films
The Amazing Race
That show where CEOs go in disguise and scrub toilets or whatever at their companies
Modern Family
Austin City Limits

It is a lot to keep up with.

I would like to join the gym down the street and start exercising again. They have a special "neighbor discount." Isn't that nice? I would like to support these people. Plus I can walk there!

I opened a Roth IRA.
I started a new job.
My brother got married!
I am not pregnant, but a lot of people around me are.
(I hope it's not contagious.)
Since the new year, I have been wearing makeup and trying to revamp my wardrobe.
Oh, because, during that time I turned 30.
And you know, it's time to stop wearing hoodies.
Last weekend my old HS flame asked "Are you writing?"
And I knew what he meant and I said no.
And then I thought "well... writing... hmmm... let's broaden the definition..."
And then I said no again.
But there's not really any reason why that answer has to be a no.
NO TWEETING DOES NOT COUNT.

Better Things = Favorite New Mag Fields Song

Not the part about mermaids and princesses and wolfboys. (Sigh.) The BIRDS. The lovely chorus about birds.

"And I have heard
The singing of real birds
Not those absurd
Birds that simply everybody's heard
Real birds"

I'm sorry but I cannot find an audio clip to link to. Not youtube, not that free site J used to use, nowhere to listen without buying. Everyone wants .99 cents.

This is supposedly a trilogy and so I offer you my opinion on these 3 albums:
1. i
2. Realism (Better Things, You Must Be Out of Your Mind, Always Already Gone are the only songs you need... tho the rest right grow on me)
3. Distortion (ugh)

This Explains So Much.

The setting: an empty classroom, re-arranging desks. The desks look like this:



The staff are dragging the desks back to their appropriate positions and it is making a noise that makes me start twitching involuntarily.

"Do you want to see the Ms. D----- method of moving desks?" I ask my co-worker.

Sure, she says.

So I demonstrate the procedure, one that was executed religiously in my classroom, always with one student modeling and the rest following row by row, noiselessly, punctuated with lots of praise from the teacher.

Since we did a lot of turning our desks around to face one wall or the other, I taught my students that they stand next to the desk, lift the whole thing up, and shuffle their feet until the desk faces the desired wall, then place it back on the ground. In other words....

"LiiiIFT! Aaaaandddd pivot."

I totally stole this procedure from Friends when they are trying to get the couch up a narrow staircase and Ross is yelling fruitlessly "pivot! pivot! pivot!"

So I am lifting and pivoting and Elena says "Gosh, Mary, you're like a 65 year-old ballet teacher. 'Pivot, children!'"

And I am thinking yes, yes I was a 22-year-old 65-year-old ballet teacher, for better or for worse, that is basically how I approached my work and why it felt so weird/awesome/fleeting.

Side by Side

You know what is super cute?

If J and I both give money to something, something like an arts organization in Houston, then our names appear next to each other on the sponsor lists because of the alphabet and not because of relationship status.

If we had attended grade school together, I would have constantly been pulling his pigtails. Or staring at the freckles on the backs of his ears, more likely. Or telling my gossipy friends that it doesn't mean anything that our lockers are next to each other and I was only carrying his backpack because he broke his arm playing soccer, GOSH.

Cute cute.

Teamwork

Cat: Hello! I have stunned this cockroach for you, it is ready to...

M: FEEL MY WRATH. DIE, BUG, DIE.

C: Yes, see, I found it, and then I knocked it out,

M: BRING ME A PAPER TOWEL.

C: Right. I cornered it, and then I knocked it on its back... see...

M: Yes, and then I stepped on it. Well done, Cat.

C: I... Ok. I mean, I spotted it..

M: Yes. Let's snuggle. Best Cat Ever.

C: ::purrrrrr:::