oh hellp

Until this point, I've been wavering back and forth between teaching for a third year at my school and not teaching for a third year at my school. I've become a pro at "the waver" (To move freely back and forth or up and down in the air, as branches in the wind--dictionary.com). I can waver effortlessly between one decision or the other in the span of days, hours, even minutes, committing only to inconstancy.

There's a signature line at the bottom of my contract, and I don't know whether to sign my standard "M. Di------" that has become so familiar to our school staff (attendance slips, ARD documents, referral forms: no one really cares about your first name when you're a teacher; for two years it's been "Miss") or a new possibility:

DECLINED.

M. Di----- (Generally, time is a precious commodity, so I don't have time for the "ckson" and it trails off into a line, or a flourish, depending on my mood) is the safe bet, with guaranteed steady paychecks and vacations and a room to work in with windows and my own desk and computer and 1.5 hours of "planning" a day to study for GREs and apply to grad schools. There's also a distinct possibility that 120 new 12-year-olds will age me indefinitely and drive me completely, irreversibly, insane.

"Declined," however, is completely unknown to me. I don't know who she is or what she does. I don't know if she's the type who can go out for drinks and sign a credit card receipt, or if she's counting quarters. And while a nice lazy vacation sounds very tempting right now, I'm also aware that periods of inactivity tend to make me depressed.

So I don't know what to sign. You tell me.