One Day, Dear,

Someone is going to ask me when I knew we were meant to be together. And I am going to have to tell them about walking up to this scene and how you said, "Look! Kids in cages!"



Yes, I am definitely going to share that story with our children right before they put you in a home.

Attn: Zoo zoo

Get a job.

All You Really Have to Do Here is Not Fug Up.

John McCain,

I heard part of your speech on NPR today, and even though my entire political paradigm revolves around "The West Wing" I have always maintained that you are a stand up sort of guy. Maybe even a little Alan Alda-esque, and he wasn't so bad as the middle-of-the-road Republican.

When I was in Philadelphia and they called Texas for Hillary, for one little moment I thought "I am voting for McCain." But I didn't say anything. And then my pal turned to me and said "I am voting for McCain" and I was like I KNOW, RIGHT? (And then my boyfriend yelled at me.)

So today when you said:

"There must be no forgotten places in America, whether they have been ignored for long years by the sins of indifference and injustice, or have been left behind as the world grew smaller and more economically interdependent. In America, we have always believed that if the day was a disappointment, we would win tomorrow. That's what John Lewis believed when he marched across this bridge. That's what he still believes; what he still fights to achieve: a better country than the one he inherited."

I was totally on that bridge with you. Well, your speechwriter.

And then you said:

"Hope in America is not based in delusion, but in the faith that everything is possible in America. The time for pandering and false promises is over. It is time for action. It is time for change; the right kind of change; change that trusts in the strength of free people and free markets; change that doesn't return to policies that empower government to make our choices for us, but that works to ensure we have choices to make for ourselves. "

And then came the walk of shame back to the shore.

It's not that I don't like you; I just can't vote for a Republican. Any Republican, apparantly. Even if it appears that I agree with you on education; even if you and that Democrat I don't want to vote for keep calling my man "delusional."

P.S. Thanks for the shout-out.

The Largest Cities in the World

List by group consensus, after several plates full of meat and two bottles of wine at Fogo de Chao:

1. Toyko
2. Mexico City
3. Denton, TX
4. Argentina
5. Tomball, TX
6. New York

What We Talk About When We Talk to Strangers in the Elevator

The Weather
-How it's really starting to come down (the rain)
-Hot enough for ya?
-How humid it is
-How nice it is that the sun's still out at 6pm

The Elevator
-How it makes us nervous when it makes those noises
-How we know this person who got stuck/almost got stuck

The Day of the Week
-How close it is to Friday
-How at least it's Friday
-Mondays, boy I don't know

Those Bradford Kids
-How annoying it is when people ride the elevator from the lobby to the basement
-How they are always getting on in packs

SKIN CONDITIONS
-"Oh, so I think this rash on my neck is poison oak."

Mind Games

Here is the progression of my mindset this weekend:

Wednesday: Anxious
Thursday: Accomplished
Friday: IDENTITY QUAKE
Saturday - Sunday: 24-hour board game induced euphoria
Sunday: Totally jammin' to Randy Jackson's pop music top hits p.s. when did Linkin Park completely change their sound?

Again, I brought home as a souvenir a game called "It Was A Dark and Stormy Night" that is completely unplayable (trivia game based on first lines of famous novels, many obscure) but every now and then I can pull out a card and say "ahhh yes! Edith Wharton's Age of Innocence!" and feel ridiculously literate.

If you are in the market for a new party game, I recommend:
Zombie Fluxx
Aunt Millie's Millions
Eye Know
GiftTRAP
What's Yours Like?
Be-Rhymed
Man Laws & Woman Rules

If you would prefer a smart word game, I recommend:
AmuseAmaze
Jumbulaya
Orijinz

If your mom is a huge Sudoku fan, get her:
Spectrum Challenge
Black Box (logic puzzles)
Think Outside the Box
Pixel
Set Cubed (You know how much she loves Set the card game)

If you are a teacher, make your school fork over the money for these enrichment games:
Camp Board Game (nature/ecology)
Eye Know (general trivia)
It Was A Dark and Stormy Night (reading/writing teachers -- make your own cards! from books in your classroom library)
Mind Trap Geometrical Riddles Genius Level (math)
Reaction (chemistry)
StoryTellers (writing)
Think Outside the Box (problem solving)
Top This! (geometry) <--bonus! invented by 2 middle school students in Japan

Here are some games other people seemed to like, but I didn't get a chance to play:
Art of War
Senet: The Ancient Tomb Treasure Game
Tiki Topple

I couldn't find links to all of these.
Here's a list of last year's games.
I imagine this year's game will be up soon.
If you need instant game gratification, try here.

Over and out.

Identity Quake

I dunno, man.

It's like -- Monday you're feeling rested and rejuvenated and you have a brand new action plan and things are calendared and when the guy at Jimmy John's asks you how things are you tell him that today is a good day, because you heard that once on NPR and thought it sounded great. Sure, today is a good day. They're numbered, aren't they, and comparatively this one is a'ok.

And by the middle of the week you've discovered online pictionary and you're kicking some serious internet butt, and things are ok maybe not going exactly how you planned but it's all under control.

And then the next thing you know it's like bam, bam, bam -- and you're a terrible employee and you've forgotten how to talk on the phone and you can't even get the neighbor's dog to pee when it is time to go out. And you turn to online pictionary to boost your confidence but it doesn't work -- you have to pass on "shrimp" -- when anyone can draw a shrimp, right? God. It's like, so simple. And you're thinking, "Today is a good day!! Please?" and wondering why you can't seem to have a normal conversation with your boyfriend before bed.

And meanwhile, the laundry's piling up and the cat box is full and there's a container of burnt popcorn in the trash even though you bought asparagus on Sunday, and ever since you turned 22 you really looove asparagus.

So, I dunno. I've forgotten what shrimps look like. But I feel like tomorrow is going to be a good day.

Spots and Stripes

"If you think this looks ridiculous, try missing your flight" says the bus with the yellow polka-dots.

And I don't think much of it except that I am sitting in a bus with a piggy bank logo (Parking "Cents") waiting for some other passengers to get on the shuttle, and I watch a woman get on the polka-dot bus and then sort of emerge in a huff, and my shuttle driver starts chuckling.

After we leave the terminal (in the end it is just me and him) he explains that this particular parking company purchased two new lots, creatively named "Parking Spot 2" and "Parking Spot 3" -- and they all have different shuttles with similar themes: One bus is yellow with black spots, one is black with white spots, and as a result people get all confused and don't know what bus to take.

I'm chuckling along with him, because yeah, that is sort of funny -- they tried to stay branded and wound up pissing off all these customers -- and furthermore can you imagine the storage facility? It must look like some sort of Dr. Suess themepark.

And THEN he goes on to tell me how it is soooo hilarious, all the black and Chinese people get really confused, and I am sort of like "heh" and looking around for the hidden camera because this is starting to feel like a sort of "Parking Shuttle Confessional" show that people will watch at 2am and click their tongues and judge me because I'm not saying anything about his racist comment.

And THEN because I didn't say anything, he goes on to share a story about how 20 years ago when his daughter was an infant, he was held up by a black man who took his watch and $500 cash and held a gun up to his neck, and when the police brought in five suspects for him to pick out of a line up, how was he supposed to tell them apart? HAHAHA! They all have the same haircut and skin tone!

And I'm gesturing at the camera like "what the hell am I supposed to do -- I am two minutes from my car and I just want to get home and feed my cat and this man has me hostage on a bus and p.s. I woke up at five in the morning and p.p.s. what is wrong with you??" but instead I say something like, "Gosh, yeah, that sounds scary. And you had a baby too."

So anyway, when you see me on TV, that is how that all went down.

Guinea Pig

My check-in guy at the Enterprise desk was a trainee, and his co-worker used the opportunity to show him how to process my car.

Of course they got an error like they've never seen before, because that is what always happens when you try to show someone how to do a relatively routine task (duh).

The error was sorted out, but they did give me the tough sell: "We've reserved you this dinky little piece of crap car, but for FIVE DOLLARS more you can have a car with automatic locks! Come ON -- the company is paying for it!" and I was like, no friends, if I turned down a Prius upgrade in Columbus (which I still regret) there's no way I'm charging acronym extra for a Grand Am.

Which begs the question -- how long has it been since you drove in a car without automatic windows and locks? And, how did we ever manage to get by?

Later at the hotel, which is conveniently situated within spitting distance from the airport runway, I found out why those runway guys wear earphones and what it sounds like when 50 car alarms all go off at once, and the little Aveo isn't looking so shabby anymore.

Going Places

Places I have been for work-related purposes, not in chronological order:

Dallas, TX
Provo, UT
Denver, CO
St. Louis, MO
New York, NY
Philadelphia, PA
Columbus, OH
Washington, DC
Memphis, TN (soon)
Phoenix, AZ (soon)

Figuring Out the Remote

It is one thing, when you buy your new TV, and you plug it in and hook up all the stuff thinking "At LAST -- on THIS TV, the remote control will work" because that's how your relationship with electronics works, right? Your unique-to-you-stronger-than-normal magnetic field effs with normal circuitry and causes CD players, radios, TVs, VCRs, digital cameras, computers, cars, planes, and all manners of electronic gadgets to malfunction long before their shelf life expires and you're just kind of used to it because that is how it has always been and then you buy new gadgets.

So this TV is new and shiny. Ok it's been on the shelf of Target since October 2007 but come on, you LOVE Target! You and this TV are going to be great friends. But then you're hitting the "ON" button and you've fed it the pre-requisite AA batteries which you stole from the DVD remote and thinking "what are the odds... how could I possibly have paid 200+ for a TV and still I have to get up and change the channel by hand" but once its turned on all the other remote buttons work and this is very strange, no?

And you play with it for a few weeks and you're loving the high-def of it all, thinking "the pores--look at her PORES!" and "this is the clearest signal anyone has ever gotten sans cable" and "can you believe they used to make televisions that weigh more than my cat?" and you finally figure it out: you figure out the remote. It's like the car; if you turn it off by hand, you have to turn it on by hand. Just like the car alarm will go off if you lock it with the little button and you try to unlock it with a key.

And you didn't buy the extended warrenty because let's face it, you got the October shelf TV for a sweet, sweet deal and you're really cheap but you're thinking maybe the curse has lifted -- this TV is finicky like me. Maybe this one will last.

Moving Up in the Ranks

Monday I wore a suit.
Tuesday I wore a suit.
Wednesday I wore pajamas because I was home sick.
Today I wore a suit.
Tomorrow, I am wearing jeans.

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

So my landlord installed these new self-closing self-locking gates to keep the riff-raff out, and he sent out an email advising us to remember our gate key if we go to take the garbage out, and what do I do? I take my garbage out (horray for taking the garbage out!) and I definitely do not bring my gate key. I bring my cell phone, though, because it is 7:55 and at 8:00 someone is supposed to be coming to my apartment to pick up my old TV.

So I am locked outside my apartment gate at 7:57 envisioning a scenerio where TV dude shows up and I have to tell him, sorry, I'm locked out, and what happens then? Does he stay with me and make chit chat while we wait for someone to come in or out? Does he leave me standing there in the semi-rain? Do I go around the corner and hide and ignore my phone and just pretend I am not home?

And where the hell are all my neighbors, anyway? I hear them in the courtyard ALL THE TIME, yapping and drinking. Don't you people have parties to go to? Don't you have dogs to walk? (I know you have dogs; I have seen all the varieties of dogs coming to and fro.) Moreover, where are my dependable friends? I give you people keys for situations just like this one. I have taken care of both your dogs while you were out of town, and one of them ripped my favorite jeans. Answer your damn phones.

And finally a guy pulls up, and I'm thinking "please, please be a neighbor, and not someone who wants my TV," and I introduce myself, even though I've lived here for two years, and I ask him if he lives here, and tell him how happy I am to see him, and thank you thank you thank you, and I still don't know his name, but I think we might share a wall.

And the TV guy never came. And there's a mysterious water leak in my wall causing paint tumors, but that's another story. And I am going to bury a gate key in a very secret hidden place, so I never have to wait for other peoples' comings and goings again.

What is the worst way to combine these horrible sentences?

The more I think about it, the more I am angered by the state of writing instruction in this country.

In TX, in fourth and seventh grades, students are tested on their ability to proofread "sample student essays" that contain errors. They are asked to identify and correct the errors. Some questions are spelling, some are grammar, and some are style/inferences ("what is the best way to combine sentences 12 and 13?").

Because this is The Test, and because The Test is very important to a child's opportunity to pass the grade (and, incidentally, the teacher's bonus pay), we spend a lot of time on sample tests. This means, a great deal of instructional time is spent asking students to read BAD WRITING and to "fix it."

In my class, we talked about revising. It took me many months to convince them that sometimes revising means getting rid of entire paragraphs and sentences; that sometimes you have to write a lot of crap to get to the heart of the matter. The challenge in teaching revising is teaching kids NOT to proofread, not to pay attention to the mechanics until they are happy with the story, the message. Otherwise you get a kid who changes "their" to "they're" on the first draft and proclaims a story "done."

To accomplish this, we read good writing. We read "House on Mango Street" and "The Falling Girl" and personal essays and poems and short fiction. We read brilliant sentence construction and "showing" details and stories and words that make the story come right off the page and into your head.

We only read "Suddenly, we heard a raspy voice say, 'Hello people.' When we looked around, there was no one their. Then we heard the same words again." when it was abso-effing-lutely necessary to teach them how to take a multiple choice test.

I worry that limited English students in our country are spending too much time reading bad fiction. I worry that teachers are sacrificing authentic writing experiences in favor of exercises that would make any reasonable person hate the English language. I remember trying to explain why "it's" and "its" don't follow standard grammatical patterns and feeling guilty, terribly guilty, because I read a truckload of books when I was a child and I just *recognize* how they work without even trying.

I'd like to tell Wordsmith Publishing Company to shove it.

A. "Sliding into the hole anyway and being scared, Edward went down."
B. "Change second to secund"
C. "Change 'James Long' to 'james long'
D. We are too smart for this test; we haven't the time. We're reading the Canon and Shakespeare and you and your multiple choice ridiculousness can take a hike. Do you really want to know about a time in my life when something changed? It changes today. It changed when my grandparents sacrificed everything to move me to this country and give me a decent shot at a decent education. I'm learning all the right lessons in all the wrong ways. I'm going to take these lessons and violate your schemas and blow the lid off of public education. One day, I might be a teacher. One day, I might teach this differently.
E. Make no change.

Is it not true that people of above-average intelligence are not good with money?

If I fail the Mensa admission test, and I can't be a voting participant like the rest of my family in Phoenix next month, it will not be because I cannot look at pictures of a mouth, a blender, and a (knife?) and identify them immediately as objects for masticating food. It will not be because I don't get within seconds that tree is to rocking chair as cow is to cheese, or that I'm not good at taking tests.

Oh, no.

It will be because I can't make change.

It's true. My mother took me out of 2nd grade during a school renovation project and because of this, I cannot add nor subtract simple numbers.

So what is featured prominently during my recent Mensa IQ test: making change.

Look, I worked in retail; you have to deal with grumpy people with no patience for finger counting and that is why they use computers.

And that's my 1 half dollar, 2 dimes, 3 nickels, and 2 pennies. How much does that equal? 50 plus 20 plus 15 plus 2 equals... wait, HOW many minutes left??