TX Gubernatorial Debate--A Play by Play

The contestants:

Rick "The Incumbant" Perry (R)
Carole Keeton "Grandma" Strayhorn (I)
Kinky "why the hell not" Friedman (I)
Chris "who????" Bell (D)

Q1: Illegal immigration

Carole says: Fair legal immigration program. Let's put the Texas rangers in charge. Strengthen our border and secure TX.

Perry says: Asking for $100 million next session to address the border issue. I put those troops there before Bush asked me to b/c Rio Grande sherifs asked for help.

Kinky says: Yup. Taxpayer ID cards. [[He said "sock 'em!" Oh my god. He also said "illegal running through a field."]]

Bell says: Crack down on employers & logical and sensible debate.

Q2: Taxes & education

Perry says: 15.5 billion dollar property tax reduction. Reformed school finance system plus raise for teachers. p.s. Bi-partisan.

Carole says: "Shake Austin up" People first. Govner is LYING.

Bell says: Not going to raise taxes, but businesses need to be paying their fair share. Close loopholes plus 6k raise for teachers. Lots of certified teachers [[like me!!!]] who are not teaching.

Kinky says: "Playin mickey mouse games." NCLB has failed. Legalize casino gambling to pay for education every year: ie, texas hold'em.

ooooohhhhh---question and rebutal round!!!!

Chris Bell asks Carole: You've given .5 billion in tax breaks to clients of your biggest contributors. How can people trust you know?

Carole says: JERK. Drop dead. [[Ok, I editorialized. She didn't really say anything at all.]]

Bell rebuts: Facts are the facts. We'll clean up Austin.

*

Kinky asks Bell: We're trying to spread democracy--Perry ducked out of all the debates that were offered. What do you think of that?

Bell said: V. important to have debates. We said any time, any place. Let's do this again and again!!

Friedman "rebuts": poly = more than one; ticks = blood-sucking parasites (HAAH!)

*

Perry asks Friedman: Bio-diesal, etc. What's your long-term vision and plan for this growing state for energy?

Kinky says: importing energy for the first time in history. I want Willie Nelson to organize the co-ops and make the school buses bio-diesal. We can do it with solar, wind, etc.

Perry rebuts: #1 wind generating state in the nation. 10B infrastructure in wind energy. Going to take a lot of different types of energy in future.

*

Carole asks Perry: [[uhhh... something about sexual predators?]]

Perry says: Continue to strengthen laws.

Carole rebuts: We love our children!! Mandatory lifetime without parole for first-time sexual predators. [[She's sort of scary]]

Rooooooouuuuunnnnd 4!

Q4 to Chris Bell: You are boring, sir.

Bell says: Well, yes. My kids are in public schools in Houston [[oh lord]] & I know the ins and outs. Reduce our dependence on high stakes testing.

Kinky says: I agree with Chris. TAKS has to go. Gives everyone a nervous breakdown.

Perry says: Schools doing great job. 20% increase in kids going to college.

Carole says: Texans are excited about MEEEEE because I'm wearing a pink suit.

Q5 to Kinky: You are completely politically incorrect and we don't think you are very funny.

Kinky says: I was raised by a black lady in Houston, TX. I'm color-blind. These sort of arguments take away from real concerns, like crime and murder in Houston. I want to send $100 million to Houston law enforcement [[to keep people from breaking into Mary's car.]] (Yesssss!)

Perry says: Words matter.

Carole says: Did you see my pink suit? I love EVERYONE. [[p.s. she said "Anglos"]]

Chris says: Racist comments have no place in this campaign, but it all comes down to a different view of politics. Actual def. of politics is art or science of political governance.

Q6 to Perry: Which is more imp., jobs in TX or raises for your staff?

Perry says: We go through same process as private sector.

Carole says: tell the people of TX the TRUTH, liar!!! lies lies lies. more lies. you suck, perry.

Bell says: more $$s to parks funding

Kinky says: Stop ganging up on me! [[Oh.... Kinky....]]

Q7 to Carole: You've accepted >1 million in campaign contributions; you've flip-flopped; are you an opportunist?

Carole says: I did what I said I would do. Government in the sunshine. [[What??]]

Chris says: Nobody knows who I am because I'm the only one playing fair.

Kinky says: 6x as many contributions from individuals as Rick Perry, and he has more money. You all are trying to suppress the vote.

Perry says: Let's talk about the budget instead.

Q8: Citizen question to Kinky Friedman
"Will you have a cigar in your hand as governor?"

A: Yes. Sam Houston did it!

Q9: Citizen question to Perry
"Why are the people not allowed to vote on Trans-Texas highway?"

A: It was debated fully in 2003 and 2005. Bottom line: people did vote. [[What. You don't remember?]]

Q10: Citizen question to Strayhorn
"How will you stop this highway thing?

A: I'll kill it myself! Dead!

Q11: Citizen question for Bell
"Will you pledge to make tuition deregulation happen?"

A: Let's make college affordable for middle class families. p.s. re: highway--this thing is a disaster and wrong wrong wrong.

Two speed rounds... can't... keep... up!!! Basically this round is to prove the candidates' ignorance on things like college tuition, the Mexican president, term limit, and energy bills. And they are. Ignorant, that is.

Last round: one-on-ones

This is a great round.

Ok, Kinky is a total hippy; Chris Bell is the only one who knows a damn thing about public education (and no one knows who he is); "Grandma" is a FLIP-FLOPPER (and her suit is too pink and if she is elected I will vomit); and Perry is the only one who looks/sounds remotely governor-esque.

The winner: Perry.
My vote: Bell.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Texas high school football game.