Point Breaker

Scene: Monday night, 12am, fridge goes out...

M: Hey, I'm sorry to call you so late. I need you to walk me through the breakers again. I tried what I did last time and it isn't working--they all say "on."

J: Ok, you're looking for one that's in the middle. It might not say off, but it won't be lined up like the rest of them.

M: Yeah... nothing. There's one that doesn't say anything. Here, I'll flick it again.

::walk walk walk::

M: Nothing.

J: Can you wiggle the fridge out? What happens if you plug something else in?

M: Ok... hang on. Yeah, lamp's not working. Wait--lamp's not working in its usual place, either. But it works over by the table.

::more walking and flicking ensues::

M: So, I guess there's nothing else I can do. That sucks. I'm sorry. I'll deal with it in the morning.

J: I feel like I've failed you.

M: You're fine, I'm just frustrated because I don't want to lose all that frozen food.

J: ...

M: I love you, sleep well.

::5 minutes go by::

J: Hey, I thought of something.

M: ?

J: That outlet where the lamp plugs in by the sink... are there buttons on it?

M: There's a--ohhhhh shizzz... look at that.

J: ?

M: It's working. All I had to do was push the stupid red button.

J: As soon as you said lamp, I kept trying to picture that outlet. Most outlets near a water source, like in the kitchen or the bathroom, are supposed to have that safety. I guess yours controls the fridge.

M: You're a freaking genius. Go back to bed.

...

So, now we know how to fix the disposal and how to fix the breakers. My services are available for hire. I just wish my landlord would give me a "never calls at midnight about the #@$@$%! breaker" discount.

Asylum for Abused Cuddly Stuffed Toys

Jason has this praying bunny that his dad picked up secondhand as a dog toy. It's sort of creepy and raspy and scares the heck out of me whenever his dog starts playing with it.

We laugh, but I definitely felt bad after playing this cute little game where you play a psychologist responsible for administering to abused stuffed animals. It's written in Flash, so there's nothing to download, and the stories--as they unfold--play more like a narrative than what you might consider a game. My favorites are the sheep and the snake.

The Aslylum

Here's a hint if you get stuck: there's something under the bed, and while it may seem cruel, you have to use it for one of the patients.

Alternative Whale Names We Wish Greenpeace Would Consider

Don't get me wrong, we're very happy with Mister Splashy Pants.

Other Top Contenders, McSweeney's Style:

"Plankton Destroyer"

"Fucking Eats Biblical Figures Whole"

"Harpoon"

"Sashimi"

"Who You Callin' Blubber?"

"Ishmael"

MLS or house?

Which would you invest your money in?

That's a masters of library science, or a house in Houston, for those just tuning in. Here are a few more pieces of information to help your decision: 1. I am very, very good at school; 2. I really like books and databases a whole lot; 3. I am tired of renting, and houses in the East End go for just over $100k.

Lana, I wish you were here. How do we feel about home-owning?

Go!

Road Trips, Brit-Brit Style

Before the long drive home, I fueled up on gas and diet coke predicting "holiday" traffic. To my dismay, the diet coke and the pre-trip coffee necessitated bathroom stop #1 in "Italy"--which worked out ok, because I picked up a gingerbread latte.

Stop #2: Taco Bell, somewhere near Buffalo.

Stop #3: "Rest stop" before Huntsville, in the middle of 20mph stoppage.

Trip total: five hours, 23 minutes. I passed a few smashed up vehicles, and was thankful not be be riding in any of them. The sun came out in The Woodlands, briefly, before setting. The iTrip worked on this leg, which is to its advantage because I was about to return the thing along with my $200 "investment" after it crapped out on the journey up.

This may be a stereotype, but I find that the trucks advising me to "support our troops" are the ones most willing to risk an intimate encounter with my bumper during high-speed travel. I would like to gently remind them to support the two second rule. Three is even better.

I hope you and yours had a very Britney Snacksgiving, as well.

Jan Svankmajer

This guy is amazing:

(Minute 6:00 through the end not entirely safe for work, in a hilarious nudie claymation sort of way.)



This piece reminds me a bit of this guy:


Naked people!

More videos.

Modern Romance

me: hey--go to itunes
and listen to
"i can't feel my hands any more"
right now!!!
with me
and then, hold mah hand.
...

Jason: hey!
ima doing it! hold on.

me: :)
you can have one of my ear buds

Jason: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
i am going to die.

me: O--|< O--|<|
that is you and me
lyin' in a park
{p--------------[ ]------------------p}
sharin' buds
that's the pod and our ears

Jason: dang, you beat me to it.

me: (p-----------[i]--------------p)

Jason: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
holy cow, man.

me: don't say anything for a sec
O--|<
O--|<|
better!

Jason: is that you with the skateboard?

me: i am wearing a skirt

Jason: :)
O--|>=
whoops!
i just made you flash some people walking out of the menil bookstore.

Things I Like, That Are Green

1. My new purse. (Much sexier than pictured.) It is soooo great. I have been looking for a new purse, unsuccessfully, for months. I was just about ready to enlist help and spend upwards of $100 when there it was--staring at me at the thrift store behind the counter--for a tenth of the price. No bows or frills or stupid buckles, just smooth crisp leather with interesting detailing. It is a "Strada." It transports my laptop, wallet, keys, cell phone, cosmetics, the works. It is totally me.

2. Celerey. It is both lo-cal and hydrating. And cheap. And I can dip it in stuff. And I like the crunch. Yay celerey!

3. Olives. They look pretty in a martini, or as a pre-dinner snack. And I think Greece is pretty cool. Also, I was totally anti-olive until a few years ago, and now I hear people say, "I don't like olives" and I think, "That's crazy talk!"

Making Amends

1. Today, due to luck 'o the parking spot, I found myself back at Taquito, which royally pissed me off last time over a misunderstanding of the fundamental components of a torta. I thought perhaps the meat could be optional, given the myriad of other ingredients; they thought differently.

So I saddled up and braced myself for another encounter with "Hugo" and ordered straight off the menu this time. I've been craving the frutas, see. It was tense, but fine, up until the point where in my nervousness I realized I'd forgotten to tell him "to go" and he got all huffy and rolled his eyes at me and left for the kitchen without a word.

SUCK IT, HUGO. You are a big jerk. Why don't you go fix yourself a michelada and chill the eff out. Make one for me, too. TO GO, please.

2. When I returned from work, a mystery neighbor asked if I could jump start her car. Which I proceeded to do. In heels. SEE, NEIGHBORS? I am cool. You should invite me to your pumpkin carving parties.

Podded

My new toy is giving me buyer's remorse.

I finally bought an iPod because I bought in to the premise that it would revolutionize my life: the Pod will make you smarter and well-informed, the Pod will make you musically mobile, the Pod will streamline your entertainment management and eliminate piles of scratchy CDs, the Pod will STOP AIDS if you buy it in a certain color.

One day, the Pod may do all of these things for me and more, but for now it comes with a list of demands before I can use it to its full potential:

1. Action Jacket
2. Car Adaptor
3. Noise-cancelling headphones

These accessories are essential for the following reasons:

1. If I look at it funny, it will leave a scratch
2. I only really listen to music when I'm driving
3. My ears must be horribly misshapen, because the earbuds don't seem to fit me, they fall out, and if I can manage to cram them in there for any length of time, my neighbor on the airplane can hear everything that I can in full stereo sound.

Also, according to the Action Jacket, I now have to take up jogging.

Give me a break!

I just wanted to hear This American Life, and it ate my podcasts.

It ate everything else, too, after three hours of feeding it music, because I don't understand what "sync" means.

At the risk of sounding anti-technology and totally square, I would just like to point out that books don't pull this kind of shizz, and they are portable, too.

(Though not as conducive to driving.)

The Buck Eye of Texas Is Upon You.

My last two drafts have been too negative. So, you don't get to read them.

And, I have to break the cycle.

So here is this!



It is a Buckeye!

What do you do with it?

You are supposed to hold it in your pocket for good luck. It does not appear that you can turn it into a butter or jam or crack it open and eat it.

You can use it to make pulp!

This is the worst Mascot ever!

Yours,
Mary

Note to Self, Work on Listening Skills

me: help, i am trying to think of a word that means "opinion based"
like, it's not standardized, it's ________. i am thinking of "subjunctive" but that's not it

k: hummmmmmm
subjective.......
??

me: if someone were grading a test and there wasn't any criteria, you would say that the grade is _______.

k: this test is dumb. multiple choice please.
hahaha
sorry..........i am of no help

me: or, if you're trying to get a book published and they don't take your book but they pick someone else's book, it's because the decision was _______.
bahhh. dictionary and thesaurus.com aren't any help, either

me: subjective!!!

k: hang on. my coworker was in the Honors program. if he cant help with this.......what good is he.
hahaha

me: oh my god you said that way up there

k: hehe

me: i thought you were just repeating my wrong word

k: ahhhhh!

Amazing Advancements in Medicine and Personal Health

Let's talk awesome cold products for a minute. The general default for me is "NYQUIL--IMMEDIATELY," but for whatever reason I bypassed the stuff this go-round. I guess I worry about feeling groggy in the morning, or sleeping through my alarm clock. And Dayquil makes me loopy, so none of that this time, either.

1. Emergen-C
I drink this stuff on a regular basis, cold or no cold, and it makes me feel full of vitamins and fizz and awesome. I usually get the regular vitamin C stuff, but I also bought a box of the "Immunse Defense" forumula, which is pretty great if you don't mind the zinc taste.

2. Vapo-Rub!
Ahhhhh Generic Vapo-Rub. How long have you been living in my medicine cabinet? How long have I have overlooked your amazing menthol camphor stealth bombers ready to dive in and dynamite through all the junk in my face? Also, I know the bottle says do not use near mouth, but a smear of this stuff across the upper lip feels pretty amazing on a sensitive nose rubbed raw from too much tissue use. I woke up in the middle of the night from a coughing fit, and this stuff on my chest and nose put me right back to sleep.

3. This is not a cold product, but let's talk prescription-strength deoderant. You put it on AT NIGHT. This means no more white lines even from the "disapearing" formula (aka disapearing from my body all ovah my sweater). I am intrigued, but I sort of worry that I am rubbing cancer directly into my underarms each time I use it. I smell great, though. What do you all think?

Cat Blogging, and Travel

Tonight, we ran out of cat food.

At 8:03 pm, I left my home to buy cat food. Because I was afraid my cat might perish. By my own hands.

She's persuasive, that one. She'll never starve if I'm around and conscious.

This alone does not make a whole blog entry, so here's some other stuff:

I have become an expert in the Houston - Denton commute. I know where the Starbucks are (Huntsville and Italy), I know where to stay in the left lane to avoid slow-accelerating on-rampers (Huntsville), I know where the traffic jams live (Conroe, 35N) and how far I can travel out of each city and still pick up NPR. I know where to find a Sonic or a Wendy's on the way up and the way back, or a Jack-in-the-Box breakfast sandwich or mint milkshake. I have a special stretch that's just for singing. I drive really friendly, for 4.5 hours. I know how to drive under a big Texas sky, and I know how to drive in the rain. I always wave to Sam. The more I do it, the more I wish that this were a marketable skill. See also: crossword puzzles.

In two weeks, I'm headed to Columbus, OH for a week. I chose my flight based on miles, and a non-stop flight. I'll never do a stop-over again, if I can help it. I fear take-offs and landings just as I fear on-ramps. Certain on-ramps in the state of Texas are crazy suicide missions: you have to get up to speed immediately, in a sharp turn, because there's no merge lane and the rest of the traffic is going 70. I turn off the AC, gun it, and cross my fingers--or else I find an alternate route. (Nobody tell my insurance company I said this.)

So what's there to do in Columbus, OH? Who wants to watch my cat?

(Do you see how I tied those two topics together? A+ in blogging, friends.)

Sumo!

Baby, put the camera down and help me up please.