It is so rare to find a free parking spot in a popular lunch destination strip mall, one that isn't reserved for Darque Tan or Neighborhood Cleaners or Fed-Ex. Every now and then, in a bright & shiny moment of serendipity, there is a beautiful gap, and it is for you! Because it is "Reserved for Peppertree Customers"! You will be, in just a few delicious minutes, a Peppertree customer! Without having to hike for it! The parking spot beckons: YOU are the one I have been waiting for--park into meeeeee! Exclamation points!
And then a little man steps into the spot and refuses to move, because he is saving it for his wife. He is standing in your reserved spot. And you can't even bring yourself to put up much of a fight, because it doesn't seem like a very vegan thing to do.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
I May Never Buy A House
Hey, people.
You people who know things. Riddle me this:
How much trouble can a person hypothetically get into by ignoring a collection agency that hypothetically is hell bent on collecting a nominal lab fee from a previous doctors visit that I--a person--decided he/she ain't gonna pay? Hypothetically.
I decided I wasn't going to pay it shortly after they started sending me letters that said, "We TRUSTED your doctor when he asked us to run these labs--YOU are a VERY BAD PERSON. Pay Up."
Like. Hell. I. Will. Go whine to my insurance company.
So, people who know things, what's the worst that can happen here? I get a bad smear on my credit report? I get arrested? I get phone calls every morning at 4am for the rest of my life? I marry my equally creditless boyfriend and we live out of a box? What?
You people who know things. Riddle me this:
How much trouble can a person hypothetically get into by ignoring a collection agency that hypothetically is hell bent on collecting a nominal lab fee from a previous doctors visit that I--a person--decided he/she ain't gonna pay? Hypothetically.
I decided I wasn't going to pay it shortly after they started sending me letters that said, "We TRUSTED your doctor when he asked us to run these labs--YOU are a VERY BAD PERSON. Pay Up."
Like. Hell. I. Will. Go whine to my insurance company.
So, people who know things, what's the worst that can happen here? I get a bad smear on my credit report? I get arrested? I get phone calls every morning at 4am for the rest of my life? I marry my equally creditless boyfriend and we live out of a box? What?
Monday, May 14, 2007
Jury of Your Fears
My jury duty started out a-ok, despite the fact that my number qualified me for a day in criminal court #230, vying for a spot of 12 out of 65. Police Officer "Call Me Carl" was jovial and reassuring, cracking jokes with the jurors ("Do you want your pen back?" "You paid for it--you keep it.") and promising a swift and painless day.
Then "Call Me Carl" left us standing in the hallway for two hours outside the courtroom, while a variety of interesting people paraded up and down the hall, and I got chatted up by Roberto who told me how much he loves America.
Two hours, folks... no chairs. By the time he lined us up by juror number, lunch was fast approaching and pissed-off juror stomachs were rumbling.
They finally called us inside ("sit anywhere") only to reveal that we could all go home--in the two hours we were waiting, they had settled 6 out of 7 cases, and the 7th had more work before it would be seen by a jury. Turns out that a lot of these folks, when they realize that a jury is actually lined up and ready to go, decide its in their better interests to let the lawyers settle it up.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that process--the psychology at work: "Don't make me bring those jurors in here--did you see them? They look mean and uncomfortable. But I'll do it, if that's what you really want..."
So this is how justice works. A game of chicken.
Then "Call Me Carl" left us standing in the hallway for two hours outside the courtroom, while a variety of interesting people paraded up and down the hall, and I got chatted up by Roberto who told me how much he loves America.
Two hours, folks... no chairs. By the time he lined us up by juror number, lunch was fast approaching and pissed-off juror stomachs were rumbling.
They finally called us inside ("sit anywhere") only to reveal that we could all go home--in the two hours we were waiting, they had settled 6 out of 7 cases, and the 7th had more work before it would be seen by a jury. Turns out that a lot of these folks, when they realize that a jury is actually lined up and ready to go, decide its in their better interests to let the lawyers settle it up.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that process--the psychology at work: "Don't make me bring those jurors in here--did you see them? They look mean and uncomfortable. But I'll do it, if that's what you really want..."
So this is how justice works. A game of chicken.
Friday, May 04, 2007
Clubs I Am Going To Join
1. The Labyrinth Society
Not, as one might first imagine, devoted to the David Bowie movie of the same name, but PEOPLE WHO WALK IN CIRCLES, FOR FUN AND HOBBY. These are MY people. Plus, there are two of these labyrinths in Houston, and one looks very cool.
The Laby people argue that the labyrinth is symbolic of life's journey. One may choose to walk, skip, twirl, move quickly or stop often for meditation. When I think of all the time I have wasted walking in straight lines, it just makes. me. sick.
2. Raw Food Diet
This is relatively self-explanatory, right? I may never have to cook again! Plus--this gives me a great excuse to buy a juicer. One of the expensive noisy piss-off-the-neighbors juicers.
Upside: OMG crunchy vegetables
Downside: moist nuts? urrrghh....
3. Cartographers for Social Justice
Ok, like most clever things that come out of my mouth, I yoinked this one from the West Wing, and, it doesn't really exist. Which is ok, because I'm gonna be spending a LOT of time on Labyrinthing and not cooking my food (but three seemed like a nice solid number).
Not, as one might first imagine, devoted to the David Bowie movie of the same name, but PEOPLE WHO WALK IN CIRCLES, FOR FUN AND HOBBY. These are MY people. Plus, there are two of these labyrinths in Houston, and one looks very cool.
The Laby people argue that the labyrinth is symbolic of life's journey. One may choose to walk, skip, twirl, move quickly or stop often for meditation. When I think of all the time I have wasted walking in straight lines, it just makes. me. sick.
2. Raw Food Diet
This is relatively self-explanatory, right? I may never have to cook again! Plus--this gives me a great excuse to buy a juicer. One of the expensive noisy piss-off-the-neighbors juicers.
Upside: OMG crunchy vegetables
Downside: moist nuts? urrrghh....
3. Cartographers for Social Justice
Ok, like most clever things that come out of my mouth, I yoinked this one from the West Wing, and, it doesn't really exist. Which is ok, because I'm gonna be spending a LOT of time on Labyrinthing and not cooking my food (but three seemed like a nice solid number).
Spam-a-Lot
Occasionally, in my work I will be called on to send out mass emails. I don't do it so much anymore, but I used to email 400 people a monthly newsletter and it would freak the heck out of me.
What if there's a typo?
What if I'm sending to someone who requested no mail?
What if they yell at me?
I'm awfully sensitive to not wasting people's time or filling up their inbox with unwanted mail. I'm also very aware that every single recipient is going to have some sort of reaction to my email, whether it's ignoring it, deleting it, reading it, taking action, unsubscribe, forwarding to a friend. I'm aware that some will think I'm crazy, some will think I'm right on, some will be annoyed and many, many will be indifferent.
But, this is important. And so today I sent out 700 emails. 700 reactions. 700 possible responses.
And then, as I always do after hitting "send," I got up and took a walk.
What if there's a typo?
What if I'm sending to someone who requested no mail?
What if they yell at me?
I'm awfully sensitive to not wasting people's time or filling up their inbox with unwanted mail. I'm also very aware that every single recipient is going to have some sort of reaction to my email, whether it's ignoring it, deleting it, reading it, taking action, unsubscribe, forwarding to a friend. I'm aware that some will think I'm crazy, some will think I'm right on, some will be annoyed and many, many will be indifferent.
But, this is important. And so today I sent out 700 emails. 700 reactions. 700 possible responses.
And then, as I always do after hitting "send," I got up and took a walk.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Operation, Catnapz
Ok. ok ok ok. Okay.
Here we go, "exercising the cat."
Stage 1: Yarn
Next time I will try this with a cotton yarn, as the metallic bits made me a little nervous. This method of cat-er-cize is surprisingly versatile. I can make the yarn wiggle while lying on the couch, or I can go all-out and run/turn around the apartment with a yarn trail behind me. J says, "tell her to make me a scarf while she's down there." Constructed a "yarn maze" using chair and the scratching post (not pictured). Briefly considered tying cat to chair. Moving on...
Stage 2: Bag
The bag toy only worked if I lay on the ground and made little scratchy sounds on the outside. LOTS OF AMUSEMENT when cat uses the bag toy correctly and lunges at the scratchy sounds on the inside. Not so funny when she lunged at them from the outside. Plastic bags (not pictured, because they are annoying and she eats them) seem to fascinate her, but this here whole foods bag, not so much.
Stage 3: Dishes!
After five days of them sitting in the sink, I did the dishes. Insert something here about objects in motion. Also, mysterious stain. Cat did not help wash OR dry.
Stage 4: Catnip
www.bettercatownersthanyou.com says I should provide her with lots of blankets and soft toys. Which I do, but she wants to play with the plastic bags. So I dragged out this cat pillow (I swear to God, that is the intended purpose but its actual use is "dust collector") and covered it in catnip. She rolled around seductively for awhile and is now nesting happily and quietly--but awake. First sign of dozing off, we are going back to the yarn.
Updates to come.
I am thinking I need a laser pointer.
Or a large dog.
And, to never have children.
Here we go, "exercising the cat."
Stage 1: Yarn
Next time I will try this with a cotton yarn, as the metallic bits made me a little nervous. This method of cat-er-cize is surprisingly versatile. I can make the yarn wiggle while lying on the couch, or I can go all-out and run/turn around the apartment with a yarn trail behind me. J says, "tell her to make me a scarf while she's down there." Constructed a "yarn maze" using chair and the scratching post (not pictured). Briefly considered tying cat to chair. Moving on...
Stage 2: Bag
The bag toy only worked if I lay on the ground and made little scratchy sounds on the outside. LOTS OF AMUSEMENT when cat uses the bag toy correctly and lunges at the scratchy sounds on the inside. Not so funny when she lunged at them from the outside. Plastic bags (not pictured, because they are annoying and she eats them) seem to fascinate her, but this here whole foods bag, not so much.
Stage 3: Dishes!
After five days of them sitting in the sink, I did the dishes. Insert something here about objects in motion. Also, mysterious stain. Cat did not help wash OR dry.
Stage 4: Catnip
www.bettercatownersthanyou.com says I should provide her with lots of blankets and soft toys. Which I do, but she wants to play with the plastic bags. So I dragged out this cat pillow (I swear to God, that is the intended purpose but its actual use is "dust collector") and covered it in catnip. She rolled around seductively for awhile and is now nesting happily and quietly--but awake. First sign of dozing off, we are going back to the yarn.
Updates to come.
I am thinking I need a laser pointer.
Or a large dog.
And, to never have children.
Playing With The Cat... In Traffic
Ok, I really hate to be that girl who blogs about her cat, but here I am blogging about my cat, right?
The cat is completely nutzo. The cat--after four years--has decided that bedtime is the time to race around, play with things, and meow like crazy. It looks a lot like this. For 27 years, I have traditionally used bedtime to sleep. So, we have a problem.
Turns out this is not unusual at all. According to this blog article, "Who's Training Who?" the answer is to 1. accept the fact that she needs to climb and meow and scratch things and act crazy, and 2. re-train her to do these things in the evening and not at bedtime.
In other words, wear the bitch out.
Rather than letting your cat snooze all evening while you are watching Oprah or Jeopardy, turn off the tube, get down on the floor and play with your cat. Tie a feather or piece of crumpled paper to a length of string and run around the house dragging it behind. Train your cat to climb his scratching post; train him to fetch and run back and forth between you and a friend. Visit your local pet store and look for new and interesting toys for your cat. Make toys of your own. Most cats have a wonderful time rolling around inside a large, open paper bag or box sprinkled with catnip. The "Cat Dancer" toy is also extremely appealing to most cats. Try to tire out your cat early in the evening. This will greatly increase the likelihood that he will sleep at night.
Are you KIDDING ME??? I work all day, and then I come home and I am supposed to EXERCISE MY CAT?
This frequently happens with lonely, bored cats that have an excess of energy and no where for that energy to go. They cannot chase real mice and birds, or climb real trees, so they develop other habits to entertain themselves.
So, like, who's gonna come over and exercise me?
The cat is completely nutzo. The cat--after four years--has decided that bedtime is the time to race around, play with things, and meow like crazy. It looks a lot like this. For 27 years, I have traditionally used bedtime to sleep. So, we have a problem.
Turns out this is not unusual at all. According to this blog article, "Who's Training Who?" the answer is to 1. accept the fact that she needs to climb and meow and scratch things and act crazy, and 2. re-train her to do these things in the evening and not at bedtime.
In other words, wear the bitch out.
Rather than letting your cat snooze all evening while you are watching Oprah or Jeopardy, turn off the tube, get down on the floor and play with your cat. Tie a feather or piece of crumpled paper to a length of string and run around the house dragging it behind. Train your cat to climb his scratching post; train him to fetch and run back and forth between you and a friend. Visit your local pet store and look for new and interesting toys for your cat. Make toys of your own. Most cats have a wonderful time rolling around inside a large, open paper bag or box sprinkled with catnip. The "Cat Dancer" toy is also extremely appealing to most cats. Try to tire out your cat early in the evening. This will greatly increase the likelihood that he will sleep at night.
Are you KIDDING ME??? I work all day, and then I come home and I am supposed to EXERCISE MY CAT?
This frequently happens with lonely, bored cats that have an excess of energy and no where for that energy to go. They cannot chase real mice and birds, or climb real trees, so they develop other habits to entertain themselves.
So, like, who's gonna come over and exercise me?
Monday, April 23, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Second in a Series (2/2)
While we're talking youtube, I have to link to some genius Square One videos that Beau unearthed on facebook. (I am on facebook now! I have so many friends. You can search for me.)
Fraction Rap
Wanna Be (by Bobby McFerrin)
Angle Dance
That show was so good. Lordy, why wasn't this stuff around when I was taking Calculus?
Oh, it was?
Intro to Bikini Calculus
(claims to be NSFW, but it's nothing you wouldn't see on any beachfront)
Never mind.
Fraction Rap
Wanna Be (by Bobby McFerrin)
Angle Dance
That show was so good. Lordy, why wasn't this stuff around when I was taking Calculus?
Oh, it was?
Intro to Bikini Calculus
(claims to be NSFW, but it's nothing you wouldn't see on any beachfront)
Never mind.
"Nobody has been shot holding a Nutrageous"
My co-worker was telling us about this Michael Moore video, aimed at New York City police officers who shot a black man because his black wallet "looked like a gun."
African American Wallet Exchange Program
Let me be clear, I am a liberal but I am NOT a Michael Moore fan: I find his views extremist, his explanations oversimplified, and his tactics tacky. I've been pissed ever since he made that poor mother cry on screen for 15 minutes in Fahrenheit 9/11.
But, this video is funny.
African American Wallet Exchange Program
Let me be clear, I am a liberal but I am NOT a Michael Moore fan: I find his views extremist, his explanations oversimplified, and his tactics tacky. I've been pissed ever since he made that poor mother cry on screen for 15 minutes in Fahrenheit 9/11.
But, this video is funny.
Friday, April 20, 2007
hey wuz up? nm. just drillin. c u soon!
Mary,We are making it more convenient for you to communicate with our practice!
We will now be sending appointment reminders via email, text messages to your cell phone, pager, or PDA. Please provide us with your current information and have one less phone call to answer!
When you receive a message by e-mail, click the icon provided for confirmation. Confirm as soon as you receive the first message, and you're done! The other messages will simply be reminders.
We look forward to meeting all of your dental needs!
Dr. Carol
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Gone Completely Out of the Loop Crazy
Ladies and Gentlemen, a Target story:
Seeing as how this is my first weekend without people around me in a month, it was a challenge to get myself off the couch and out the door, to Target, to buy "some stuff." (This was my mindset going into it; the goal really was to get out of the house.)
And so, in a sort of rotten mood as a result of cat-gone-crazy-howling-all-night, I put some stuff in a basket and hit the checkout line. The first line I tried closed down right before me. The second line was held up by some cash register issue. I'm looking at my other options, when my cashier says, "Don't you be looking around, I'll be done in just a minute." I could have taken offense, but it was said with such charm and so disarmingly that I just chuckled, cheered the eff up, and waited my turn.
We chatted about whether or not I was having a baby (I'm not) because I purchased a maternity top (I did--it's cute!), and my bill came to $95--which seems a lot for "some stuff," and I thought as much at the time, but didn't look at my receipt until I got home.
Before that, though, I stopped by the Salvation Army and TOTALLY SCORED! I bought two cashmere cardigans and a cute handknit top for $20.
And I mention the thrift store because it was in this mindset that I looked at my receipt, saw an item marked "Target PREM" for $16.38, and couldn't figure out what the heck it was. I look in my bags; still no luck.
So here is where the crazy starts.
I call the store, tell them I've been charged for an item I didn't purchase, and I don't know what it is, and they tell me to come back and they'll fix it.
At the store, a bitchy customer service rep listens to my story, says NOT ONE WORD, calls a security looking fellow and gives him my receipt. He goes off with it for probably 10 minutes.
He comes back, tells me I have to return the item in order to get a refund. I explain again that I don't have it, and he says he knows it went into the bag because HE SAW IT ON CAMERA. I'm flabbergasted. I ask him what it was, and he tells me it was some hair product--"like a perm solution?" I tell him listen mister, there is absolutely no way a box of home perm solution went into my bag, and I march over to try to find my sassy cashier. She's not there, but her friends are, and they ask if they can help. They mediate for a minute between me (the crazy lady) and the security man (whom I am about to throttle), and while this is happening one of them thinks to enter the item number into the computer to see what the item is.
"It's not 'perm,' it's Target Premium. Um, whitening strips? Teeth whitening strips?" she asks me.
"Oh.
Right.
I bought those.
I have those.
Ok.
Sorry!
Thanks.
Bye."
And while I am not denying for one minute my complete and sole personal resposibility for this debaucle, would it not have been easier to look up the item number over the phone? Which is really sort of what I wanted?
Lessons learned:
1. Do not let Mary go shopping alone.
2. Do not wear a red shirt on a Target shopping expedition.
3. Check your receipt before you leave the store.
ed. And what I learned is, sometimes you are the only one responsible for the ridiculous things that happen to you. It's ok; you're still a worthwhile person.
I'm going to stay in the rest of the weekend with my teeth whitening strips. Let's hope Monday brings a reason or two to smile.
Seeing as how this is my first weekend without people around me in a month, it was a challenge to get myself off the couch and out the door, to Target, to buy "some stuff." (This was my mindset going into it; the goal really was to get out of the house.)
And so, in a sort of rotten mood as a result of cat-gone-crazy-howling-all-night, I put some stuff in a basket and hit the checkout line. The first line I tried closed down right before me. The second line was held up by some cash register issue. I'm looking at my other options, when my cashier says, "Don't you be looking around, I'll be done in just a minute." I could have taken offense, but it was said with such charm and so disarmingly that I just chuckled, cheered the eff up, and waited my turn.
We chatted about whether or not I was having a baby (I'm not) because I purchased a maternity top (I did--it's cute!), and my bill came to $95--which seems a lot for "some stuff," and I thought as much at the time, but didn't look at my receipt until I got home.
Before that, though, I stopped by the Salvation Army and TOTALLY SCORED! I bought two cashmere cardigans and a cute handknit top for $20.
And I mention the thrift store because it was in this mindset that I looked at my receipt, saw an item marked "Target PREM" for $16.38, and couldn't figure out what the heck it was. I look in my bags; still no luck.
So here is where the crazy starts.
I call the store, tell them I've been charged for an item I didn't purchase, and I don't know what it is, and they tell me to come back and they'll fix it.
At the store, a bitchy customer service rep listens to my story, says NOT ONE WORD, calls a security looking fellow and gives him my receipt. He goes off with it for probably 10 minutes.
He comes back, tells me I have to return the item in order to get a refund. I explain again that I don't have it, and he says he knows it went into the bag because HE SAW IT ON CAMERA. I'm flabbergasted. I ask him what it was, and he tells me it was some hair product--"like a perm solution?" I tell him listen mister, there is absolutely no way a box of home perm solution went into my bag, and I march over to try to find my sassy cashier. She's not there, but her friends are, and they ask if they can help. They mediate for a minute between me (the crazy lady) and the security man (whom I am about to throttle), and while this is happening one of them thinks to enter the item number into the computer to see what the item is.
"It's not 'perm,' it's Target Premium. Um, whitening strips? Teeth whitening strips?" she asks me.
"Oh.
Right.
I bought those.
I have those.
Ok.
Sorry!
Thanks.
Bye."
Lessons learned:
1. Do not let Mary go shopping alone.
2. Do not wear a red shirt on a Target shopping expedition.
3. Check your receipt before you leave the store.
I'm going to stay in the rest of the weekend with my teeth whitening strips. Let's hope Monday brings a reason or two to smile.
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